Uncoordinated
by Amon2
Summary: Vincent/Sephiroth oneshots. All except the first story will be Yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7.

Warning: Gore, stupidity (mostly the author's for writing this), and what ever I may think of next.

This is definitely a new low for me.

I'll be expecting your insults in the reviews.

Note in this story Vincent is Sephiroth's dad.

So no Yaoi here, but maybe in the next one shot: when they are not related.

Summary: Vincent has to punish his son Sephiroth.

Uncoordinated

Vincent Valentine walked into his home to an unexpected surprise. Every wall, ceiling, and surface of his house was coated in blood, his wife's, Lucrecia, recently decapitated head was mounted on the dining room wall, and her eviscerated body was on top of the dining room table, her organs turned into chew toys for a playful Galian. But it wasn't Galian Beast that had done this. No. The culprit was sitting on the stairs in his custom leather outfit cleaning Masamune.

Vincent closed the front door with a bang to draw his son's attention.

"SEPHIROTH! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"

Sephiroth looked up from cleaning the gore off of Masamune to stare at his slightly irritated father.

"It wasn't me," Sephiroth said as he put away Masamune, "It was JENOVA. She told me to do it."

"JENOVA?" Vincent asked his son in an exasperated voice, "You mean that worm alien creature floating around in its jar in your room?"

"Yup."

Vincent sighed tiredly and examined the mess. It was going to be a pain cleaning it up. Not to mention stitching Lucrecia back together and applying Phoenix Down. He turned his attention back to his unrepentant son.

"You'll be cleaning this up."

"And if I don't?" Sephiroth challenged.

Vincent darted forward and grabbed the silver haired general by his wrist to drag him towards the living room. He sat down on the couch and pulled the man to lie on his lap.

Sephiroth examined his current position. He was in optimum position for spanking.

"Is this my punishment? You're going to spank me?" he asked amused as he watched Galian play 'keep-away' with his mother's liver. He was Sephiroth for crying out loud. With his mako enhancements his strength and high tolerance it would take a lot of power to actually hurt him. A pulse of energy made him look back over his shoulder.

'CRAP!' he thought and began to struggle.

Vincent had used his limit break to change into one of his demons. Father Chaos was now in place of Father Vincent.

Chaos quickly grabbed the green eyed man's wrists and pinned them behind his son's back. He used his other hand to move the tail end of the leather coat out of the way and proceeded to dish out his son's punishment with much glee. A large powerful hand snapped down to connect with a leather clad rear. Chaos's strength had the silver haired man yelping in pain within moments.

The sound of Sephiroth's pain filled yelps and the smacks resonated in the large manor for an hour or two before Chaos deemed his son well disciplined. He released the now cowed general to allow him to stand. Which he could not do. Sephiroth was instead stooped over like a very old man. A very old man that has had his ass tanned. Another power pulse, Chaos disappeared and Vincent reappeared.

"Have you learned your lesson now young man?"

Sephiroth muttered something unintelligible while rubbing his sore behind but nodded. The punishment had stung. Chaos has a brutal arm. The blush on his face probably matched the one on his ass.

"Good," Vincent said, "But we're still not done. You're grounded in your room for a month, which means no going out, no talking to JENOVA, no tormenting Cloud, and no terrorizing the natives. Got that?" Sephiroth nodded again still rubbing his flaming behind and limped into his room, his embarrassment evident.

Vincent watched Sephiroth's retreating back disappear up the stairs before going into the hall to his and Lucrecia's bedroom in search of some Phoenix Down. He opened his bedroom door to the next surprise of the day.

The entire room was pink.

PINK!

Pink was everywhere. There were pink bed sheets, pink chairs, pink dressers, pink curtains, pink rugs…and he bet that if he opened his closet he would find the entire wardrobe pink. Suddenly he felt no rush in resurrecting Lucrecia.

She could wait a day or two. And maybe he had been a little hard on Sephiroth. A month was too harsh for his silver haired son. He'll revive Lucrecia another time. He also didn't feel up to wrestling her liver from Galian Beast.

He left the bedroom and made his way upstairs to Sephiroth's.

Sephiroth was lying on his stomach on the bed so as not to aggravate his aching cheeks. He looked up when Vincent entered.

"Upon further contemplation I found that one month may be too harsh," Vincent said casually, "so how about we make it two weeks?"

Sephiroth snorted.

"You saw your bedroom didn't you?"

In the back yard Galian was in the process of burying Lucrecia's kidneys.

The End

Okay even I found that bad.

Insults will be expected.


	2. Sephiroth's Dating Guide For Idiots

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7.

Summary: Sephiroth decides to write a self help book on romance based on his own experiences.

Sephiroth/Vincent

This story probably reeks as much as the first. Enjoy.

Sephiroth's Dating Guide for Idiots

Greeting fellow reader, my name is Sephiroth and I have written this book dedicated to helping the romantically forlorn catch their elusive loves.

You may be wondering what is it that makes me such an expert on love, especially when you take in my history.

Well, I'd like to say first off: Fuck You.

Second: The methods I followed won me my Vincent's heart. We have been dating for the past couple of years and have been shagging like rabbits for most of that time.

I assure you my fellow reader following these steps shall greatly improve your chances at love.

So let us begin.

The prelude of every relationship starts with subtle hints and innocuous gestures of thoughtfulness. Things that will draw his/her attention to you.

This is why I suggest something down the lines of burning a tiny mountain village as a start. Destroying the homes of a bunch of redneck backwater residents was the first step in my relationship with Vincent. My Vincent is of a noble line and coming out of his mansion one night to see commoners run around scared and miserably frightened was exactly what he had wanted to see. The whole scene set a beautiful smile on his handsome face. This first step alone put me on his radar system.

We move onto establishing a more secure and solid link between you and your intended. This can be accomplished by spending some quality time together. You can either talk, or do some activities together.

I suggest you make time terrorizing the continent together. Sharing in the abysmal fear and hatred of others never fails in bringing two people together.

We now come to dates. This will be the first real step in the actual courtship.

Take your date to a place you know you both could enjoy. Somewhere not too crowded and not too deserted. The food had to be good and atmosphere right.

The Seventh Haven Bar was an ideal place for me and Vincent. The atmosphere had been right (Cloud screamed so prettily). The food was acceptable (Galian Beast glutted himself on orphan children and whinny dark haired kick-boxers even though he nearly choked on a couple of silicon implants).

Another thing you can do is attend major events together. The more special the setting the more likely you are to gain extra points for sentiment.

I have found in my personal experience that taking your intended to see interstellar space rocks descend down from the heavens and destroy all life as we know it quite helpful.

We come now to meeting your intended's friends.

Sooner or later he/she shall want you to meet his/her friends. This is something to be expected everywhere. First impressions are always important as he/she shall later seek their opinion on you.

In this case I suggest you forgo the entire thing if possible. The group will always find you unworthy of their friend and will express their opinion thus setting you back a few paces with you intended.

Experience had shown me that slaughter the whole bunch has saved me a great deal on first impressions. I also didn't have to worry about Vincent finding out. It turned out that he wasn't so fond of them and was actually quite happy to see them gone. That is why I had even taken the liberty of mounting the AVALANCHEs' members' heads on my wall, something that gained me extra points with my lover's demons.

Gift giving is also important, especially around the holidays. You have to be quite careful and thorough. Do not leave it for the last minute and end up buying something tacky.

Take what I did for example. It took me days to scale the Nibelheim Mountain to get my Viney-poo JENOVA embalmed head. He had been so pleased at my thoughtfulness that he stuck the decapitated stump on a stake and we made love right under the alien's open eyes.

In every relationship there is always unpleasantness. It could be from your side or your lover's. But we can agree that it mostly results from those hateful meetings with a partner's ex.

A helpful tip is to always take routes that the other rarely crosses.

Or just get rid of the bastards.

It only took me a few hours to find Highwind, my lover's ex, and to strap him onto his precious rocket before shooting him into space. It's not as bad as it sounds, the guy always wanted to conquer the 'final frontier'.

The other tramp, Lucrecia (I don't ever want to call her 'mother'), took me a few days to whole up all the cement and to pour it over her crystal prison. (Just to make sure she doesn't decided to some day return for her precious TURK).

If you are asking wondering about my ex's I'll tell you that I had never ever been with either Zack or Cloud. (Come on, be serious people! Fair was a slut, and Jailbait Strife had been one of his conquests. I wasn't curious enough to see what sort of STDs they had)

A couple's first night together may be one of the most romantic and crucial points in the start of any relationship. The first time you make love can determine whether or not or not there is chemistry.

To assure an astute performance take the time beforehand to prepare your setting. Don't try to over do it by using too many clichés. You also don't want to rush things. Take the time to pamper him/her. Find out where their erogenous zones are and take advantage of them. But most of all remember that this night is their night. It's going to be about their pleasure as much as your. Don't try kinky things straight from the first night. Try to dole out the crazy bit by bit.

Luckily for me Viney-poo is as psychotic as I am. The fact that he shares his soul with 4 demons could be the reason behind it. He did not mind at all making love under his decapitated friends' eyes, which I had mounted on the wall earlier before.

A thing that always arises between couples is the lack of surprises. A couple that may have been together for some time may stop being spontaneous and fall into a routine. This is a chokehold for any relationship. Also some habit can create consistency and thus content you must not develop too many of them. Try to keep things lively by surprising your lover with: a gift, a thoughtful gesture, surprise sex, or a trip.

When it came to me and Viney-poo there was no need for gifts. A simple blood orgy was all we needed to liven things up. If you feel that this may work with you as well I suggest using Shin-Ra blood or the blood of some demented scientist that has a fixation with extraterrestrial leeches. They're slimy but will later prove to be an excellent lubricant when you and your lover are rutting madly over their corpses.

Sooner or later every relationship passes through what I call the RRA: routine rut age. It's where you and your partner get braver with each other in discussing your sexual preferences/fantasies. This will be a sort of test for you and your lover. If you are truly serious about your relationship you will not hesitate to participate. And if your partner is truly serious about you he/she will not hesitate to take things slowly and be considerate of your inhibitions. Experimenting in bed is a sure sign of deep trust.

Things like BDSM, toys, and other kinks are not uncommon between couples so no need to feel self conscious.

I remember how shy my Viney-bear was the first time we tried to introduce bondage into our foreplay. But then he relaxed and enjoyed himself. It opened new doors in our relationship and Vincent found courage to open himself up to me and share with me his inner most desires. Something I enjoyed greatly and I remember how later that night I woke up tied down with a horny Chaos on top of me.

I couldn't walk for a week afterwards.

Now some of you might bring up the issue of bringing another person into bed to share your partner. This is a very dangerous step that should only be attempted by the more acceptable couples. New individuals can create feelings jealousy and cause a possible rift between couples.

Vincent and I found no problems with this. We invited our closets friends into our bed and it caused no ill emotions between us. I derived great pleasure from watching my clone Yazoo and my partner's demon, Chaos, take my lover. Vincent later confided in me that he too had enjoyed watching Chaos pound me into the mattress while Yazoo sucked me off.

The End

This concludes 'Sephiroth's Dating Guide for Idiots'.

I hope you all look expectantly for my next book release '101 Ways to Kill an AVALANCHE Member that is After Your Vincent'. The subject matter is a bit limited but it may interest sadists looking for new torture methods. I have one interesting method that involves cigarettes, snakes, and alcohol that will surely interest those of you not so fond of blond pilots.

TBC


End file.
